Moonraker

James Bond has always had a special place in my heart, seeing as they are probably the first films I ever watched as a young boy that I really enjoyed. They're very simple films, just the story of a British secret agent who stops evil industrialists from taking over the world, filled with violence, sex and shaken martini's. James Bond is someone we all aspire to be, he is the embodiment of charm and sophistication, yet no one can really measure up to him. My favorite film, in all honesty, was The Living Daylights, a film with a solid plot, good action and an actor who plays the role with an understated charm, yet also a somewhat gritty edge, Timothy Dalton (yeah everyone who creams over Daniel Craig's performances, ITS BEEN DONE).

Now to my least favourite James Bond film; Moonraker. Moonraker was the James Bond series attempt to cash in on the burgeoning popularity of the Star Wars film series, filling it with space battles and laser gun action. And it also has a very familiar plot, but it’s not taken from the Star Wars films. Of course not, why it’s the EXACT SAME PLOT AS THE SPY WHO LOVED ME A.K.A. THE LAST JAMES BOND FILM!!! God I hate this film, but I have decided to review and so I shall force myself to rewatch it. So, let’s dive in;

The film begins with a plane transporting a space shuttle named Moonraker (cos they had to fit in the title somehow) to America. But unbeknownst to the crew, two men in black have managed to secrete themselves on board…somehow, and steal the space shuttle. The pilots are confused as to what is going on (with the flashing “Ignition” symbol not giving them enough warning it seems) but it doesn’t matter as they’re blown to pieces as the shuttle speeds off.

Meanwhile, James Bond is on a plane…for some reason, where’s he totally making out with some smokin’ hottie. But, shock horror, she’s actually an enemy agent and pulls a gun on James. Then, some other guy appears from the cockpit with a parachute, gives a good ol’ hackneyed villain speech about how James will never defeat him etc. and edges towards the exit. Suddenly, James springs into action, bitch-slapping the woman out of the way (because that’s the only way to deal with a woman) and the two men struggle briefly before James pushes the man out of the plane. Yes James, facilitate the escape of the man who you’re trying to capture/kill. Then Jaws appears from…the bathroom maybe and pushes James out of the plane as well. However, he didn’t count of James being able to fly, as he somehow catches up to the man he pushed out a good few minutes ago, removes the man’s parachute and straps it on, again…somehow. Jaws can fly as well though, as he manages to catch up to James and prepares to bite him on the ankle, seeing as that’s his only weakness I presume. But Bond pulls his parachute chord and glides away, whilst silly old Jaws’ parachute hilariously fails to activate, meaning he lands on top of a circus, which doesn’t kill him…somehow.

After the nonsensical opening theme (like a Moonraker gold?) it’s briefing time. M tells James about the Moonraker mysteriously disappearing, showing him the super mega top secret video feed of the plane’s wreckage. Do they not realise they could like track the shuttle? M tells Bond he will be sent to investigate Hugo Drax, the builder of the Moonraker and clearly NOT the film’s villain. Q also gives James his standard issue, yet also strangely specific to the film’s plot, gadgets. I presume they won’t come in handy at any point whatsoever.

So Bond travels to California, where he is taken to Drax’s mansion (which was transported brick by brick from France, because he’s rich and all) by Drax’s clearly not-French French pilot, Corrine. It’s shown that Drax is training a team of astronauts, which given the stolen shuttle and all, is clearly not suspicious whatsoever. So James is taken to meet Hugo Drax, played by Michael Lonsdale, who gives a performance so low key that it could almost be mistaken for not giving a damn. We also meet his silent Asian manservant Oddjo…I mean, Chang. Now, I can’t put my finger on it, but there’s something suspicious about this Drax character. Playing the piano…quoting classical literature…eating cucumber sandwiches. Probably nothing.

                Hugo: Look after Mr. Bond. See that some harm comes to him.

Hot damn, Drax is the villain? Who would have known?!

So James is taken down to the science division, headed by attractive female scientist Holly Goodhead (spot the obvious innuendo in THAT name). How do we know she’s a scientist but? Why her hair is tied back and she’s carrying a clipboard of course! After James walks into an obvious death trap by climbing into a centrifuge, which is then sped up before he stops it using a dart or something, he decides to break into Corrine’s room for some sexy times, because no woman can resist a man who breaks into their room. Also, it turns out Corinne can’t read, which makes me call her prowess as a pilot into question. Bond leaves her in the middle of the night like the smooth bastard he is to go do some sleuthing, skilfully avoiding Drax’s zero security guards and breaking into his unlocked study. Seeing as Corinne isn’t an idiot, she follows Bond into the study to see what he is actually doing. Bond finds out where Drax’s super secret safe is by…asking Corinne where Drax’s safe is, before managing to break into it using his handy safe-cracking cigarette case (because that makes sense). The cigarette case gadget also seems to be an X-Ray;

                Bond: See, you have a heart of gold.
                Corrine: 16 carat.

Or else he’s just realised what we all knew, that Corinne is a whore. In the safe, James finds some, you guessed it, diagrams of glass! What a significant lead. But anyway, turns out he needs to go to Venice now for some reason, telling Corinne to take care of herself as he leaves. She’s going to die isn’t she?

However, Drax can’t let James leave without another failed assassination attempt, just in case he hadn’t realised that Drax was the villain. So he plans for some nameless mook to shoot James with a sniper rifle whilst he is shooting game, but James manages to shoot the sniper instead with his hunting shotgun (even though the sniper needed a scope in order to see Bond clearly). So James leaves, but Corinne is called to Drax and he fires her for revealing his deepest darkest secrets to an enemy agent. Talk about jumping the gun. Could this be the end for Corinne? Yes it is. She’s eaten by his hounds (after running past her car and into the dark forest).

Meanwhile, James Bond arrives in Venice, where he investigates the mysterious glass factory, which leads to…a glass museum? They’re going to use this as the setting of a comedic fight sequence aren’t they? So then James meets Holly Goodhead again, and they do…nothing. Then James goes for a leisurely gondola ride. Bah, screw this important mission, he has canals to sail leisurely down for Christ sake. That is until some knife-thrower guy appears from a coffin on another boat, kills the poor gondolier with a knife, gets killed by bond, who turns the gondola into a speedboat, is chased through the canal’s by a speedboat whilst being shot at my some guy with a machine gun, then the speedboat gondola turns into a hovercraft and drives away through the streets of Venice. Yeah, this chase scene makes no sense whatsoever. Why don’t they just use the machine gun guy instead of the coffin knife man? And do you really expect me to believe that a gondola can turn into a speedboat and then into a god-damn hovercraft.

So now that the whole gondola sequence is over, James decides to do some more sleuthing in the glass factory, putting on his sneakiest outfit, a black flannel shirt and some black trousers. Wow James, you’re invisible now! In the glass factory, he manages to follow a stereotypical mad scientist to an ultra super mega secret laboratory, which seems to have a keypad which conveniently forms a whimsical tune when the correct keys are pressed. Because…it’s a secret lab? So James breaks into the lab and hides under a table (thank God for all that secret agent training) whilst the mad scientists do…sciency things which mainly consists of putting beakers into glass containers then into weird mechanical spheres. When the scientists conveniently leave the lab, James takes one of the test tubes, which surprisingly doesn’t reveal all of its secrets when he holds it up to a light. But the mad scientists return, so James runs away and hides under the table again. Thank God we have him to protect us from Drax’s evil schemes. Suddenly one of the silly old scientists drops one of the beakers, which releases some kind of nerve gas, which kills both of the scientists instantly, but leaves the rats they kept in the lab perfectly safe…because that’s how nerve gas works.

So James leisurely walks out of the lab, where he is ambushed by Chang, who uses kendo because…he’s Asian? Eventually they come into the glass museum, where, you guessed it, THEY HAVE A COMEDIC FIGHT SCENE WHERE THEY SMASH EVERYTHING! Wow, this scene is so hackneyed and stupid you expect James Bond to say “You break it you bought it”. GO ON, WE KNOW YOU WANT TO!!! So eventually Chang and James come to a bell tower, which was there for some reason, where Chang attempts to strangle Bond with a chain. Maybe he should have done that in the first place instead of all the kendo nonsense. Anyway, Bond throws him through the glass clock face. Aw man, not another pointless character.

After that breath-taking action sequence, James decides to break into Holly Goodhead’s room now. And once again, the potential rape situation only seems to turn her on all the more as she also succumbs to his charms. But this isn’t until after Bond discovers that she is a…CIA AGENT! That was a rather unnecessary twist. So they sort of decide to work together, but when they’re done bumping uglies, James randomly decides to leave? And she leaves as well? You idiots, WORKING TOGETHER WAS THE FIRST GOOD IDEA IN THIS FILM!

So James calls M and grumpy minister of defence Frederick Gray to come see the secret laboratory, but it turns out Drax has managed to get rid of the entire thing AND move his office in. IN ONE NIGHT! And to be honest, what would you expect after James very obvious break in. I mean, he threw a man out of a clock tower! So they all promptly leave with their tails between their legs, Bond gets berated by Gray before he tells M he’s going to Rio De Janeiro…for some reason. Had they run out of exotic locations? Bond also gives M the vial he stole earlier for analysis, because if no one had noticed up to this point, Drax is up to something suspicious. Now that his only henchman Chang is dead, Drax decides to call up the Henchman Order Service and hires the only man they have available…it’s Jaws by the way. Dear God, the man can’t get through a metal detector without being detected so why do people keep hiring him as an assassin?

Now, Bond is in Rio de Janeiro, where he is taken to the Presidential Suite (cos secrecy is MI5’s main policy) where he meets feisty Brazilian agent Manuela. Yes, her character is so very pointless, she doesn’t even get a second name. After giving Bond some exposition about there being a Drax Industries warehouse in Rio she…randomly lets Bond have sex with her, despite knowing him for less than five minutes. Does the Brazilian secret service run an escort service as well? That night, they go to the warehouse in Rio, or to be precise, Manuela stands about whilst James goes and investigates BUT Jaws shows up, dressed as some weird clown thingy and tries to kill Manuela, only to be stopped by…a conga line? So, Jaws gets…congaed away as James returns to rescue Manuela and most probably takes her back to his hotel room for more pointless sexy times. Doesn’t matter though, she’s never seen again. STOP HAVING POINTLESS CHARACTERS!

The next day, James goes to Sugarloaf Mountain by cable car, and by the close-up of the cable cars, I can tell there will be no action scene whatsoever…right? So James meets Holly Goodhead again…somehow, and they decide to…do something? Yeah, the film has completely lost me right now. Anyway, they take the cable car back down, but shock, horror the cable car is stopped by Jaws, who manages to bite through the cable. I know he has metal teeth, but wouldn’t he still break his jaw or something? James also has the wonderful idea to get out of the cable car, because it would be safer outside. Are you that much of an idiot James? So Jaws gets his own cable car down and he and Bond wrestle for a while before Bond manages to throw Jaws into the cable car and close the door. Wow, Jaws is LAME in this film. So James and Holly glide down the cable using James belt, but Jaws chases after them with his cable car (which can go faster it seems) but they get away surprisingly and Jaws crashes into some café. Jaws climbs out of the rubble and he meets…oh dear God no. Please, no. Just, NO! JAWS MEETS HIS LOVE INTEREST FOR THE MOVIE. YES, I AM SAYING THAT SENTENCE. YOU NOW KNOW HOW BAD THIS FILM IS. RUN AWAY NOW. And she’s like a middle-aged woman with ponytails and massive glasses. I give up.

James and Holly are frolicking on the grass after their death-defying leap from the cable, when a pair of ambulance men come over to see to them. There’s nothing wrong with that right? Wait, they’re working for Drax and kidnap them? That’s not the worst plan I’ve seen in this film, I’ll give it that. So they’re strapped to beds in the ambulance and are driving somewhere, under close guard by one of the henchmen. However, Holly manages to distract the henchman, by smiling at him, giving James enough time to escape, beat the guy up a bit before he jumps out of the ambulance. But, heart-wrenchingly, Holly Goodhead is driven away in the ambulance anyway. Aw man, who’s going to annoy me now?

James goes to the super mega secret MI5 headquarters in Rio, which is also a monastery. If you didn’t know that already, you would be really confused by the monks doing martial arts. The only real point of this scene is that Q tells Bond that the vial he took from Drax’s lab earlier was a nerve gas that only kills humans and leaves all other forms of life unharmed…something we knew already. Also, it’s derived from a rare orchid in the middle of the Amazon rainforest, so I guess that’s where James has to go next? But how is James going to get to the middle of the rainforest? WITH A BOAT OF COURSE! Is this all Q-Branch does these days? Build fancy boats and pointless gadgets? Money well spent British government.

James takes the boat down the Amazon River, but he is chased by Jaws (WHO ONCE AGAIN, KNEW EXACTLY WHERE JAMES WAS SOMEHOW) and a fleet of speedboats. However, through the use of some handy gadgets like mines and a bulletproof screen thingy (like the one in Goldfinger, a film I wish to God I was watching instead), James manages to destroy most of the boats, including Jaws’. I take it that’s the last we’ll be seeing of him. But James is coming towards a waterfall, so the boat turns into…a hand-glider. No, I will not get drawn into this again.

James lands on some piece of rainforest, which also turns out to be Drax’s secret rainforest base. Well, that was a stroke of luck. Some bunch of weird women appear, stare at Bond (who so clearly wants to bone them) before they push into a pool which contains an unashamedly fake snake. Thankfully, James still has that poison pen he stole from Holly’s room (I presume) and kills the snake. James climbs out of the pool where he meets… Jaws. Is this man indestructible now?

Jaws takes James to Drax, who you would think would be rather annoyed that his super mega secret base has been discovered, but given Michael Lonsdale’s “I don’t give a crap” acting method, it’s difficult to tell. Bond see’s four Moonraker shuttle’s blasting off (which no other government notices somehow) and so he very politely asks Drax why did he steal the Moonraker? Oh yeah, that was part of the plot. I had forgotten about it amidst all that riveting glass talk. Drax explains that his own personal Moonraker fleet had developed a minor fault, so he needed to steal the Moonraker back from the Americans and kill three innocent people. Why did he not just ask for it back in his position of respected entrepreneur? But Drax finally decides to get rid of Bond, although he does so with quite an awful one-liner:

Hugo: Mr. Bond looks cold. Take him somewhere he is guaranteed of warmth.

Jesus Drax, if you’re going to be a Bond villain of some note, you’re going to need snappier one-liners than that. If you hadn’t worked it out, this means that Drax want’s James to be placed under the rocket launch pad so he will be incinerated. Well, that’s not the worst plan ever. Although he does forget TO TIE HIM UP SO HE CAN’T ESCAPE. James is reunited with Holly, because…what’s the point in killing her with say a bullet to the head when he has this elaborate death trap so nicely set up?

To cut a long story short, James and Holly escape the rocket launch by blowing open a conveniently placed air vent and using it to crawl away. Thank God this giant rocket has a ridiculously short backdraft or James could have been in a little bit of trouble here. So James and Holly beat up a couple of Drax’s pilots and steal their uniforms (which are an ultra conspicuous yellow colour) before boarding Moonraker 6, which takes them to Drax’s personal space station. Good God I wish I could stop this review right here, because this is just when the film becomes even more unbearable to watch. But alas, I am a man of my word and I will finish what I have started. So yes, this is the beginning of the section of the film SET IN OUTER SPACE. You’re damn right I just said that.

Turns out that Drax’s super mega secret plan is known as Operation Orchid, cos you know, orchids are involved, a plan which involves killing all humans on the planet with the nerve gas spheres, which will conveniently leave all plants and animal’s untouched. Hidden on the space station, the people whom Drax has transported up to the space station will breed a new master race of human’s who will then come back and lead the human race to a glorious new age. THE EXACT SAME PLAN THAT KURT STROMBERG HAD IN THE SPY WHO LOVED ME, EXCEPT IN OUTER SPACE INSTEAD OF UNDERSEA! Get some originality movie, Jesus Christ. Holly seems somewhat surprised by Drax’s evil plan. Did she think they were just going up to the space station for spring break? So James and Holly come up with the not bad idea of destroying the radar jammer which the station has, so that someone can come and destroy Drax’s Satellite of Love.

So once again, misogyny reigns supreme as Holly is able to distract the men in charge of the jammer by smiling at them, before James comes over and beats them up. Cape Canaveral discover the station, and after some hilarious political satire in which they accuse the Russians of having the super mega secret station, which also reveals that General Gogol is the biggest playa in this entire film, before deciding to send a shuttle up. Doesn’t a shuttle launch take months of preparation? But anyway, Jaws once again manages to find out exactly where James Bond is…somehow and him and Holly are captured by Drax’s guards. James tries to punch the man with metal teeth in the face, but somehow that doesn’t work and he gets tasered. You tried it in the last film and it didn’t work, why do it again?

James and Holly are brought to Drax, who once again, decides not to kill them and explains his plan to them. However James points out to Jaws that in this perfect world of Drax’s will there be room for 7-foot giants with metal teeth and middle-aged women with giant glasses and ponytails? Oh yes everyone, Jaws’ love interest is on the space station with him, for more awkward subplot! But this seems to be enough for Jaws to switch sides and he beats up a couple of guards, before being stopped immediately by some more guards. Well that was somewhat pathetic. However, the US space shuttle is rapidly approaching so Drax orders his henchman to fire the space station’s laser. Wait, what? Laser? Something I didn’t mention back in the MI5 headquarter scene was that one of the agents was testing a laser gun, which I’m pretty sure was mentioned as being in the developmental stages. But it seems that they’ve perfected them in a matter of days, considering what’s coming next… So the laser is being slowly charged up, so James acts and jogs over leisurely and presses the anti-gravity button meaning everyone starts floating slowly. Because that’s what space is like? The US Marines dock and enter the space station, WHERE A GOD-DAMN LASER BATTLE BEGINS. Oh my God, please stop, whilst you still have some semblance of realism movie! STOP IT NOW! So as the LASER BATTLE goes on, James chases after Drax, meeting him at an air lock, where the completely unarmed Drax tells James he has “meddled in his affairs for the last time”. So James just shoots him in the chest with a poison dart and pushes him out of the airlock.

                

                James: Take a giant leap for mankind.

Wow, Drax just got owned.

After all of Drax’s guards have been killed by the US Marines…WITH THEIR LASER GUNS, James and Holly decide to make their escape. However, their route to the marines’ shuttle is blocked by some rubble, at which the marines basically say “Bah, screw ‘em” and just leave. I know Marine leader, who cares if they just saved the entire human race, moving rubble is too much effort. However, James notices that three of the poisonous spheres have been launched already and so they decide to take Drax’s Moonraker 5 shuttle, which is equipped with a handy laser. DAMMIT TO HELL, LASER’S ARE NOT REAL MOVIE! I know there was a laser in Goldfinger, but at least that wasn’t used for almost the entire final act of that film. God, I wish I was watching Goldfinger instead right now. However, the release mechanism doesn’t work, so Jaws does just about the only useful thing he’s done in the entire film by fixing it…by bending a metal bar? Now his work is done, he grabs a bottle of champagne and sits down next to his beloved Dolly. Wow, at least that ridiculous subplot worked out okay.

                Jaws: “Well, here’s to us”

Jaws can talk? Well, that’s his character completely ruined for me forever.

James takes the space shuttle and watches as the space station crumbles to pieces, although the main module of it, as in where Jaws and Dolly where, harmlessly drifts away towards the Earth, where hopefully it will land safely, preserving these two treasured characters. James seems awfully forgiving of the man who tried to kill him multiple times. But there are still three spheres to be destroyed, so James mans the laser controls. He somewhat easily manages to destroy the first two, but the third one begins to enter the Earth’s atmosphere, making it somewhat difficult to shoot. However, James uses the force or something and manages to destroy it. Thank God he averted that nerve gas killing everyone, except, GAS CLEARLY COMES OUT OF THE SPHERE!

But now the Earth is saved, time for some Holly and James to have some congratulatory sex. IN SPACE! However, that silly old Minister of Defence decides to do a satellite link up…somehow, in order to congratulate Bond on the saving the world and all the crap. What follows, is just amazing. Q makes…a genuinely funny joke.

                Gray: Good God, what’s Bond doing?
                Q: I think he’s attempting re-entry.

HALLELUJAH! But James just turns off the video uplink and goes back to having the sexy times with his woman, and thus the movie ends. At least we can rest easy with the knowledge that James managed to screw a bland, uninteresting love interest.

To sum up, THIS FILM SUCKS! The first third of the film is pretty standard Bond fare and is thus passable. It doesn’t try to do anything different and that’s good enough for me. But then it just starts getting really, really stupid, especially the whole space section, which is just painful to watch. James Bond doesn’t do anything wrong, it’s just a very typical performance, but the supporting cast is just awful at times. Holly is boring, Corinne is boring, Drax doesn’t give a damn and Jaws is just turned from a cold, silent assassin to a massive idiot. It really is just The Spy Who Loved Me In Space, except whilst that film was good, this just fails in every way. And for a final insult, this film was for a long, long time the highest grossing Bond film. My favourite Bond film, On Her Majesties Secret Service, didn’t even make half that amount, yet its twice as good as this complete nonsense.